I’m told that there are lots of cool places to go out in Cologne, but I have been twice and am yet to find them. This time I was given instructions on where to go, with maps and everything, but failed to follow them, and ended up in a bar frequented by middle aged Germans who like to get drunk and dance around to cover versions of Sex Bomb. I’m pretty sure this was the least cool bar in Cologne. Thankfully, that’s not what this trip was about. This trip was about football – lots of football – taking in two games in one day. A Cologne match at 1pm, then a trip to Borussia Mönchengladbach for the 6.30pm kick off. Let me tell you about my day. Come with me now to Cologne and a journey to the Rhein Energie Stadion.
On the tram to the stadium I quickly realised my friend and I had given ourselves away as outsiders due to our lack of beer. It was only 11.30am, but we were already behind the curve. We soon caught up with the curve at the oddly named Dubai Sports Bar opposite the tram station by the stadium. Not a venue that oozes charm, but the music was loud and the locals were drunk, so it was a fine place to start. Then it was off to the stadium – and a sight that made me smile with joy:
Cologne v S.C Paderborn – do your wurst
When I made my first appearance at the Rhine Energie Stadion, Cologne were plunging towards Bundesliga 2 so effectively you’d have been forgiven for thinking their main objective for the season was to be relegated. This year it’s been a bit different. Having completed their objective, a lot of players departed and a lot joined, but most importantly, in Holger Stanislawski, Cologne have a coach who appears to have an actual plan (Stanislawski enjoyed success St Pauli, and was praised by his former player Marcel Eger when I interviewed him for my blog).
After a ropey start adjusting to life in Bundesliga 2, Cologne have been gradually improving and sit fourth in the table, one point behind Kaiserslautern. They’re too far behind the top two to make a realistic challenge for automatic promotion. However, a third place finish means a playoff against the team third from bottom in the Bundesliga – a promotion/relegation death match over two legs. So, that’s the target, and mid-table Paderborn the latest hurdle to be cleared. And clear it they did, not so much hurdling gracefully over it, more battering straight through it without breaking stride. A thumping 3-0 win. This was impressive for several reasons.
1) Cologne have struggled to score goals this season, and rarely seem to win by more than a one goal margin;
2) The second half featured sustained pressure from Cologne, and you could sense the team and the fans growing in confidence as they pinned Paderborn back in their own half. The noise inside the stadium was tremendous; and
3) Anthony Ujah, Cologne’s main striker, hadn’t scored for what seemed like months. He scored twice in the second half, and was a constant threat to Paderborn’s terrified defence. But, that still doesn’t excuse this highly risky goal celebration with Hennes, Cologne’s mascot:
The standard of football isn’t the greatest in Bundesliga 2, but this was much more fun than the match last year, and still a great spectacle, with 42,000 fans there to see it. And so, with joy in our hearts, we began to make our way to the station to begin the next leg of our journey. I know it’s wrong to flirt with your rival after seeing your team perform so well, but there was never any doubt that my head would be turned after this.
Borussia Mönchengladbach v Werder Bremen
Following a smooth transition from tram to train and a 50min journey, we reached our second destination about an hour before kick off. Borussia Mönchengladbach’s home, Borussia Park, is located in some fields near nothing. You get on a shuttle bus from the train station and it meanders through the countryside for days before suddenly arriving at this giant structure glowing an eerie green. All the facilities are inside the perimeter fence, and the whole thing had a slightly menacing feel to it. Look at this complex of terror:
It felt a bit like the set of a low budget sci-fi movie, which would have been cool, but was actually slightly menacing. Looking at the packed stadium, I started thinking ‘where the hell have all these people come from’. It was like the green light had compelled them to this location from every direction within a 30 mile radius. I imagined them walking silently across fields and gradually converging into a single mass at the stadium gates. Sinister, right? Right. No fucking way I am going to the dark side. What the hell is going on here?
As for the game, it was pretty good and featured the first and only time I’ve seen a goal given only to be chalked off when both sides were lining up to kick off. Gladbach scored after Patrick Herrmann (who is decent) nipped in to skip round the keeper and score. The keeper collapsed on the ground appearing to have been injured in his effort to claim the ball from Herrmann, but the ref had waved play on and the goal stood. Everyone celebrated. The ball was being placed in the centre circle, ready for kick off, when it was rolled back to the keeper. Suddenly the score board was re-set from 1-0 to 0-0. The boos started, quickly building to a deafening chorus of fury. Imagine Michael Ballack chasing that Norwegian ref around Stamford Bridge - it was like that, but with 50,000 people involved. Fifty thousand furious Germans. The Werder goalkeeper was quickly identified as the scapegoat, with the home fans assuming his feigning injury was the reason behind this injustice. In fact, the goal had been chalked off because the linesman had called it offside, quite correctly as it happens. I have no idea why it took a minute to communicate this to the referee, but it was great entertainment. I love a good boo. Boooo! Booooooo! What’s going on? Who cares! Boooooooo!
This is the view from my seat – I could see it all, and he was offside. I have to concede it’s a pretty sweet ground, but look – the green light is there – even in the roof!
A quick word on Bremen’s Kevin De Bruyne, who was excellent throughout and a constant threat, able to beat his marker at will. There are two things that stand out for me about this young footballer: one, he is Belgian, adding to the already impressive attacking qualities of the Belgium nation team. And two, he is owned by Chelsea. Seriously, how many of these players do Chelsea need or want. Ah, fuck it. That’s modern fitba.
We didn’t hang about at the end of this one. A night out in Gladbach didn’t appeal, so we jumped on a train back to Cologne, and to the nearest brauhaus to sample their diverse cuisine (see below menu – warning: Pork Kills). 
So, to conclude: a lot of the things I see in German football are the things I’ve been less than complimentary about in England: the vast stadiums in the middle of nowhere, the thumping ‘anthems’ booming out over the speakers before the game, the goal celebration music, and in the case of Cologne, cheerleaders. Few things look more incongruous at a football match than bloody cheerleaders, but even they don’t look quite as ridiculous in Germany as they do in England.
The Bundesliga is loud and proud. Bright lights, and big sounds. Everyone seems to get involved with that. Going to football in Germany is fun. It’s not always great football, but there’s usually something to enjoy, if you can leave your English cynicism at the turnstile.
